The more I fail the more I learn. Great advice-to learn from our mistakes, but it can be a pretty unsettling feeling as a parent. For years, I've given other people advice about their kids, and I've always known that it's much easier to give advice than to actually execute it, especially in my own life. Telling someone else what's best for their kids comes, oddly enough, much easier than actually applying it with my own kids. Luckily, the more I fail as a father, the more I've come to understand what every child needs to thrive through an honest, yet often unsettling analysis of my mistakes. In no particular order kids need:
PATIENCE:
Having the kids home for summer and not wanting to put them in summer camp has tested my patience mightily. The nearly constant bickering and unabated sibling rivalry that is not uncommon with school age children has caused me to snap at my kids on several occasions already this summer, but worst of all, I've found my self being aggravated by their mistakes...broken window screens, random bits of food products left in their rooms, the unaccounted number of doors left open with the air on and the more typical gamut of childhood faux pas. I really snapped the other day when one of them opened my contact case and lost one contact from a week old set. Sigh...aah...what the hell. After I finished my tirade and felt guilty about losing it, only then did I remember what every child needs: patience and understanding. My moment of anger allowed me to forget that they grow, learn and develop via their errors. Yes...parenting will test your patience-a lot, and it's frustrating and expensive, but we all signed up for it, didn't we?
ACCEPTANCE
It seems really obvious that a parent would appreciate their own children and their individual gifts and unique talents, but as with everything else related to parenting, it's just not that simple. Whether we like to admit it or not, we tend to relate better to at least one of our children better than our other little blessings, and that can be fertile ground for a parenting disaster. My 8 year old son is a little carbon copy of me, and not only do we look alike, we tend to like the same things: from baseball and every other sport under the sun to sophomoric humor, to pretty girls and being a little mischievous every now and then. Unquestionably, we have a special and undeniable father-son bond, which is incredible, except that it is often offensive to my oldest daughter, who looks upon our testosterone laden amalgam with disdain, and often, even if wrongly, feels unaccepted. While we share many commonalities, they are more subtle and less obvious to her tender heart, and I struggle to connect with her just as mightily as I so naturally bond with the little boy called mini-me. She is smart, careful, and loves school, magic, drama and band...all beautiful qualities and exceptional hobbies, but her hobbies just don't hold my intrinsic interest like baseball, survival shows, Adam Sandler movies and swimsuit models.
Though I never do it intentionally, and because she is extremely sensitive, my neanderthal-like maleness often leaves her feeling a little less accepted then my son. Again, parenting is hard work, and we all fail once in a while-some of us more than others-but we must accept the responsibility to make our children feel and know they are accepted, special and unique individuals, who hold a special place in our hearts. Perhaps, I'll put down my baseball glove, drop the remote and take my daughter to a magic show and then to one of our local art museums, which she would love and absorb with the same passion my son has at a baseball game or watching the latest episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants.
PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT
Too often, and quite naturally, we take the ones we love for granted, and I am guilty of this misgiving way to much with my own children. It's more than just telling them you're proud of them, it's expressing utter delight and joy for the things that make you proud of them. Sometimes it's that simple smile of acknowledgement of their individual attributes that matters most. Sadly, as a child I remember being discouraged more often than being praised, and it took a while to overcome that as an adult. I remember the pain of coming home with mostly A's on my report card in high school after never doing that well before, and my father rather than showing his approval pointed out the B's. This was his way of parenting: good was never good enough...so at some point in my younger years, I stopped bringing girl friends home because he inevitably pointed out their flaws rather than their strengths. Now, to be fair, my father loved me, and in spite of his flaws, he ultimately provided for us and we all turned out okay, but I'm certain, I wouldn't have struggled as hard or as long with finding myself had he been a little more forthcoming with his praise and encouragement.. Though I'm not perfect, I do my level best to praise and encourage my children's efforts and accomplishments, knowing full well my support will allow them to develop creativity, a sense of adventure and most importantly a confidence in who they are.
RESPECT
I've always heard the greatest gift we can give our children is to respect and honor their mother, which, to be honest, is often times easier said then done-even in the best of times. For his flaws in the areas of praise and encouragement, my father was not just a bastion, but a veritable superstar model of respect and love for my mother. He loved and honored her passionately until the day she died, and I've always appreciated and carried that with me. Unfortunately, most times marriages don't turn out for the best, but even when they are in the midst of failure or have failed, it's important for both parents to do their best to treat each other with respect and value what the other has to say, at least in front of the children. Sadly though, as human beings with emotions and feelings, it becomes so easy to show disrespect, but the harm it does to our children's psyches is undeniable. Every time I say something mean or disrespectful I feel remorseful, and almost immediately thereafter, I try to learn from my failings and return to the basic underpinnings of good parenting: treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself. Each time I fail to remember the golden rule and it's value to my children, it always leaves me unsettled, yet reflective and hopeful. Certainly, it's not about being perfect, but rather trying to do better by learning from our mistakes as we try to model respect. The lesson of respect is a powerful one for our children, especially when love is no longer part of the marital or post-marital equation.
HONESTY
Amidst my numerous mistakes and parental failures, is one area that never fails, and that is being honest with my children. Not only do we talk about the importance of being honest, but I am honest with them when I inevitably fail, or make one of my numerous mistakes. Children need to know that their parents are fallible and can admit to those very human weaknesses. By doing so, we build a deep trust and sense of authenticity that enables our children to build upon our core values and to take them further as they grow toward adulthood. Above all else, and when everything you do seems to go wrong, there is one sure-fire, tried and true thing that always works and every child needs most:
LOVE
We can screw everything else up, but because children are resilient, pure at heart and forgiving they always respond to love. Show it, say it and reinforce it everyday, and in spite of all else, your kids will turn out okay, if not even thrive. Simple, but effective is the daily hug and these three simple words: "I LOVE YOU."
In the end, and as difficult and challenging as parenting is, I am always bolstered and reassured, despite my flaws, by love-both for and from my kids. It really is just that simple: show them your affection and tell them how much you love and care for them and the other things tend to fall into place, even if you screw up every so often, or like me, a lot.
Just like our children, parents learn from their mistakes and get better with time.
PATIENCE:
Having the kids home for summer and not wanting to put them in summer camp has tested my patience mightily. The nearly constant bickering and unabated sibling rivalry that is not uncommon with school age children has caused me to snap at my kids on several occasions already this summer, but worst of all, I've found my self being aggravated by their mistakes...broken window screens, random bits of food products left in their rooms, the unaccounted number of doors left open with the air on and the more typical gamut of childhood faux pas. I really snapped the other day when one of them opened my contact case and lost one contact from a week old set. Sigh...aah...what the hell. After I finished my tirade and felt guilty about losing it, only then did I remember what every child needs: patience and understanding. My moment of anger allowed me to forget that they grow, learn and develop via their errors. Yes...parenting will test your patience-a lot, and it's frustrating and expensive, but we all signed up for it, didn't we?
ACCEPTANCE
It seems really obvious that a parent would appreciate their own children and their individual gifts and unique talents, but as with everything else related to parenting, it's just not that simple. Whether we like to admit it or not, we tend to relate better to at least one of our children better than our other little blessings, and that can be fertile ground for a parenting disaster. My 8 year old son is a little carbon copy of me, and not only do we look alike, we tend to like the same things: from baseball and every other sport under the sun to sophomoric humor, to pretty girls and being a little mischievous every now and then. Unquestionably, we have a special and undeniable father-son bond, which is incredible, except that it is often offensive to my oldest daughter, who looks upon our testosterone laden amalgam with disdain, and often, even if wrongly, feels unaccepted. While we share many commonalities, they are more subtle and less obvious to her tender heart, and I struggle to connect with her just as mightily as I so naturally bond with the little boy called mini-me. She is smart, careful, and loves school, magic, drama and band...all beautiful qualities and exceptional hobbies, but her hobbies just don't hold my intrinsic interest like baseball, survival shows, Adam Sandler movies and swimsuit models.
Though I never do it intentionally, and because she is extremely sensitive, my neanderthal-like maleness often leaves her feeling a little less accepted then my son. Again, parenting is hard work, and we all fail once in a while-some of us more than others-but we must accept the responsibility to make our children feel and know they are accepted, special and unique individuals, who hold a special place in our hearts. Perhaps, I'll put down my baseball glove, drop the remote and take my daughter to a magic show and then to one of our local art museums, which she would love and absorb with the same passion my son has at a baseball game or watching the latest episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants.
PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT
Too often, and quite naturally, we take the ones we love for granted, and I am guilty of this misgiving way to much with my own children. It's more than just telling them you're proud of them, it's expressing utter delight and joy for the things that make you proud of them. Sometimes it's that simple smile of acknowledgement of their individual attributes that matters most. Sadly, as a child I remember being discouraged more often than being praised, and it took a while to overcome that as an adult. I remember the pain of coming home with mostly A's on my report card in high school after never doing that well before, and my father rather than showing his approval pointed out the B's. This was his way of parenting: good was never good enough...so at some point in my younger years, I stopped bringing girl friends home because he inevitably pointed out their flaws rather than their strengths. Now, to be fair, my father loved me, and in spite of his flaws, he ultimately provided for us and we all turned out okay, but I'm certain, I wouldn't have struggled as hard or as long with finding myself had he been a little more forthcoming with his praise and encouragement.. Though I'm not perfect, I do my level best to praise and encourage my children's efforts and accomplishments, knowing full well my support will allow them to develop creativity, a sense of adventure and most importantly a confidence in who they are.
RESPECT
I've always heard the greatest gift we can give our children is to respect and honor their mother, which, to be honest, is often times easier said then done-even in the best of times. For his flaws in the areas of praise and encouragement, my father was not just a bastion, but a veritable superstar model of respect and love for my mother. He loved and honored her passionately until the day she died, and I've always appreciated and carried that with me. Unfortunately, most times marriages don't turn out for the best, but even when they are in the midst of failure or have failed, it's important for both parents to do their best to treat each other with respect and value what the other has to say, at least in front of the children. Sadly though, as human beings with emotions and feelings, it becomes so easy to show disrespect, but the harm it does to our children's psyches is undeniable. Every time I say something mean or disrespectful I feel remorseful, and almost immediately thereafter, I try to learn from my failings and return to the basic underpinnings of good parenting: treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself. Each time I fail to remember the golden rule and it's value to my children, it always leaves me unsettled, yet reflective and hopeful. Certainly, it's not about being perfect, but rather trying to do better by learning from our mistakes as we try to model respect. The lesson of respect is a powerful one for our children, especially when love is no longer part of the marital or post-marital equation.
HONESTY
Amidst my numerous mistakes and parental failures, is one area that never fails, and that is being honest with my children. Not only do we talk about the importance of being honest, but I am honest with them when I inevitably fail, or make one of my numerous mistakes. Children need to know that their parents are fallible and can admit to those very human weaknesses. By doing so, we build a deep trust and sense of authenticity that enables our children to build upon our core values and to take them further as they grow toward adulthood. Above all else, and when everything you do seems to go wrong, there is one sure-fire, tried and true thing that always works and every child needs most:
LOVE
We can screw everything else up, but because children are resilient, pure at heart and forgiving they always respond to love. Show it, say it and reinforce it everyday, and in spite of all else, your kids will turn out okay, if not even thrive. Simple, but effective is the daily hug and these three simple words: "I LOVE YOU."
In the end, and as difficult and challenging as parenting is, I am always bolstered and reassured, despite my flaws, by love-both for and from my kids. It really is just that simple: show them your affection and tell them how much you love and care for them and the other things tend to fall into place, even if you screw up every so often, or like me, a lot.
Just like our children, parents learn from their mistakes and get better with time.
