Are You a Helicopter Parent?

How much control should parents have in directing their child's life? It's a matter of perspective, I suppose, but certainly when parents control every decision, choice or option, they are crippling, and, in all actuality, retarding their child's growth. Do you support and guide your children from the side, or do you control their every move like a maniacal puppet master? The answer to that question has serious implications for your children.

Unfortunately, the competitive nature of our society has pushed parents into an unrealistic fear that if they don't make every decision for their kid, they may miss an opportunity, or fail to move to the top of  the mythical, yet non-existent leader board of life. In reality, kids need space to fail, to make mistakes and to take responsibility for fixing their errors. Learning to overcome mistakes is one of the most powerful gifts we can bestow upon our children. Nevertheless, and with that being said, I certainly understand the innate and undeniable need to provide our children every possible advantage and to protect them from the inevitable missteps that ever adolescent takes. Yet, we must resist the natural tendency to give our kids the best of everything and deny our well-intended desire to save them from having to deal with hardships. Sometimes, the best lesson they can learn is what it's like to struggle a little, to know difficult times and to feel the pain of accepting the consequences of their actions, even if those consequences may occasionally set them back a step or two on the road to adulthood.

Sadly, many well-meaning parents have pushed their love too far, and in doing so, have taken the joy of life's simplest pleasures from their children. To wit: A young lady, who once loved soccer for its own sake, begins to look at it as a tedious, non-rewarding job. Why?  Because an over-zealous parent pushes her to far in the misguided dream of a scholarship offer. Another child sits in the office of a therapist with a stress-related psychological malady after being pushed to hard academically, and is left feeling anxious. Perhaps, the unintended victim of the unrealistic expectations of an over-involved, goal driven parent. Meanwhile, another young adult is left trembling behind the walls of an apartment they can no longer afford, feeling irresponsible and unable to make logical everyday decisions. Unfortunately, their parents took care of everything important, micro-managed their life and gave them with very few responsibilities up to that point in their life.

How do you deal with your child? Do you pay all their bills, make sure they follow up with all of their school-related responsibilities, or ensure that all of their homework has been finished every night? Perhaps, you have filled out a few job applications for them, or signed them up for the ACT or SAT test, or completed all of their college applications...perhaps, you're a  "Helicopter Parent!"

Despite our paternalistic instincts that say otherwise, the best answer to that question is that we need to give our kids space to grow, to develop basic life-skills and to manage their own responsibilities. Most importantly, parents must demonstrate self-control and restraint when it involves their children.

But what can parents do without being labeled with the obviously unfavorable "Helicopter" tag?

It's okay, you can go ahead and monitor grades, and step in when there is a problem, but calling the school  after every subpar assignment or quiz result is a definite sign that you're hovering a little too close. Back off and give your child the opportunity to self-correct. How will your child learn to handle the requirements of everyday living, if you take care of everything for them? Observe and guide, rather the control and do...Inspire and motivate, but hesitate when the urge to micro-manage burns in your belly. Beyond all else, accept your child for who they are, don't compare them to anyone else, and allow them to make mistakes...even the occasional BIG ones.  Their teachers and coaches, future mates, and most importantly, your own children will thank you later.